Shouzer

Last night, my roommate and I went to Dairy Queen to get some dilly bars. We had a bet on the first Super Bowl commercial, each loser had to buy 6 Dilly Bars. I was one of those losers. Really though, the bet was structured so that we would all be winners because we were all going to partake in an equal number of Dilly Bars, and Dilly Bars are delicious.

On the way home from Dairy Queen, we had this conversation:
“It’s really cold, we should make hot chocolate to go with these Dilly Bars.” ~him
“Yeah, that sounds great, but we’re running low.” ~me
“I was going to buy more anyway, we’ll just stop by Basler’s on the way home.” ~him
“I don’t know….it’s kind of the end of hot chocolate season. I thought we rationed it pretty well. I don’t think I would buy more.” ~me making a big mistake
“Oh, I know Alton Brown melted fudgecicles to make hot chocolate, and he said it was really good.” ~him
“I’m game.” ~me

We did in fact go to Basler’s to buy fudgecicles, and we did make hot chocolate out of them. We melted all 12 fudgecicles, and they made about 1 cup of hot chocolate. Let me just say that it was amazing. You have never tasted hot chocolate this good. We even seasoned it with a little chili pepper. Oh man, it was great.

Notice I said 12 fudgecicles melted down to about 1 cup of hot chocolate. That means we each had a 1/2 a cup of this stuff. (Our other roommate was already asleep.) So we each drank 6 fudgecicles while eating a dilly bar. This stuff was to hot chocolate what espresso is to coffee. It was incredibly strong, and probably incredibly stupid. I didn’t sleep too well last night. (Notice the timestamp on this post.)

Both of us just graduated this week so we were a little giddy about that. It was probably a good time to have done that sort of thing. We’ll call it a graduation celebration. Yeah, that’s a good excuse.

Well, as anybody of any sense, I realized long ago that the pink and red Starbursts are far superior to their yellow and orange brethren. Why they still insist upon associating themselves with such lowly members of the Starburst race is beyond me. So, obviously, I decided to email Mars, Inc. and find out if it was possible to buy packages of single colored Starbursts. Here was the reply I received, much to my dismay:

Thank you for your email.

Wish we had better news. Currently, there are no plans to package individual flavors. We appreciate your feedback and have shared your comments with our Marketing Team.

Have a great day!

It was certainly no surprise that they appreciated my feedback. After all, I’m basically an expert on candy. What did surprise me a bit was that they claim to have “shared [my] comments with [their] Marketing Team”. Hm… Did “Marketing Team” really need caps? I doubt it, honestly. That’s another issue altogether, I suppose.

More importantly, does that mean nobody over there has ever actually thought to sell those things in red and/or pink only varieties? Are you kidding me? Hell, the only reason I don’t buy Starburst on a daily basis is because I refuse to choke down the other flavors, and it’s simply a waste to throw them out. Kyle would probably eat them, but that’s much more of a workaround than an actual solution. As you can see, I’m confounded.

I’m thinking somebody should probably start a petition. As you all most certainly know, petitions always get the job done. Shoot, I can definitely almost guarantee you this one will work. So Scott, I leave it to you. I’ll even be your first signature.